The Lesson of True Surrender

 What a year it's been! And it's not even over quite yet. I have too many things I should probably be doing instead of this, but this is hopefully going to motivate me. 

The last time I wrote it had been only three weeks, now it has been six months. There is too much to talk about and yet not enough. University has certainly had its struggles, but for the most part, I have enjoyed it, God has done some amazing things in me and given me the most amazing friends. Friendships at University are honestly one of the best parts. Although there may be a few I won't see next year, I believe we will stay in contact and I can't wait to continue to build on the friendships. My friendship with Tabbie has been particularly wonderful. If you haven't read my previous post, she is a friend of faith and it has been so wonderful to have that bond. What is so wonderful is she also introduced me to someone else who is a Christian and we all started this little Tuesday night worship session in Tabbie's room. It has been one of the best things and such a great support system to be able to gather, worship the Lord together, pray together and talk and discuss the bible. The Lord has given us so much joy and peace in that little room of Tabbie's.

The big lesson God has taught me this year is True Surrender. At the beginning of the year, I really loved doing all the uni things like going out twice a week, or even the fact that I live alone now means I can watch the movies I couldn't watch before. However, turns out, even though these things are fun, they are also the things that pulled me away from God in the first months of uni. Because I was out late, or maybe not even out, just generally up late, I wouldn't get up to read my bible, because I wasn't reading my bible I didn't really feel like going to church, because I didn't go to church, I sort of stopped listening to worship music. I basically became a pretty shoddy Christian, I would pray every now and then, apologise for my behaviour, but not do anything about it, tell myself the lord still loved me, etc. Before Uni I had been reading my bible so regularly and I was so connected to God. I think when uni started I got so excited about being able to do things I always wanted to try, but then I let myself enjoy the things too much because they drew me away from my faith. For almost half the academic year I struggled with this, I wanted to enjoy going out and getting drunk without feeling guilty after, I wanted to not have to put time into my relationship with God, but still have God speak to me and be filled with the Holy Spirit. There would be days when I would get up and read my bible or my devotional and feel connected to God again, but I wasn't really listening to him, I was hearing him telling me to choose Him or my own ways, and I would pray that he would help me be bold and choose him, but then hours later I would forget that I just surrendered to Him and go back to ignoring Him and choosing to do things my own way. The worst part about this is that I knew what I was doing was making me unhappy, it was making me sad and struggle to get through the week because I was so angry with myself, I always felt guilty and stupid and it was just not good, I knew I was living wrong. I would cry out to God for help because I was feeling so torn, I knew I couldn't have both, but I was afraid to give myself to God fully because every time I'm close to God I know He might ask me to step out of my comfort zone. That's what he does, every time I'm closest and stronger in my faith, He asks me to do something brave, something I don't want to do. I really don't like going up in front of people and talking, I don't like shouting out, it even took me a while to join the worship team in the church because I'm so afraid of His callings for me. I was torn between God and the world, but I got comfortable in the struggle. I was crying out for help, but I didn't do anything to change, I just wanted God to make it okay for me to have both, but I can't have both. God doesn't want my halfhearted love, He wants ALL of me. He is a jealous God.

Around February, sick of feeling unhappy and torn, sick of making wrong decisions and not feeling motivated, I decided to make some changes. I began to read my devotional more, began praying regularly, and tried to go to church more, I also had my Tuesday night worship sessions. God began to challenge me, but He also comforted me, He spoke words of love, grace and protection. Being around other Christians is always what I needed. It was better, I was connected to God again, filled with joy, but I still hadn't FULLY surrendered to God quite yet. 

The devotional book I am reading at the moment is by Jeremy Riddle, called The Reset. It is a book about worship and wholehearted surrender. It is so challenging and requires me to truly ask questions about the way I live out my faith. This book has been such a revelation for me, especially during that time of indecision. Fast forward to the beginning of March, I get a message from a friend about signing up to be a volunteer at Limitless Festival. Bear in mind I have previously had a message about this from my brother, my brother asked more generally to the family, but the friend messaged me directly. It was quite funny because I mentioned to her that my brother had messaged about this already and I was thinking about it, she then joked "haha, maybe it's a sign". I laughed this off a little, but I was also thinking the same thing a little bit. Essentially I had to start thinking about and praying about becoming a volunteer for Limitless Festival more seriously. At first, I didn't want it to be a sign, I wanted to continue being just a young adult for one more year, but the more I prayed, the more I talked to others about it, the more I knew it was something I had to say yes too. Even though I knew I had to say yes, I was still slightly hesitant. I kept praying. God helped me to see that I needed to take this step forward in my faith, I had become too comfortable in my cycle of choosing myself over God. I had become too comfortable in saying no to God when He called me. One morning I was reading my book by Jeremy Riddle, and the chapter was bout about complete, wholehearted surrender, he talked about his journey with it and how he learned to die to himself and his dreams and surrender to God's will for his life. His story resonated with me, his journey of struggling to choose between his dreams and God's will. Jeremy eventually found his way down the narrow road by praying "Not my will for my life, but Yours be done.". I needed this. I sat there in my room that morning surrendering everything to the Lord, praying for grace and forgiveness for thinking my way was better, for saying "no" all this time and drifting away from Him over and over again. I asked for bravery, I prayed for confidence in my yes to the Lord. It was an instant peace in my heart that morning. My heart had been so heavy, so torn, but surrendering to the Lord, He freed me.

I eventually got in contact with the person setting up a group of volunteers and we discussed what team I would like to serve on. It took me a few days to decide, but after a couple days of asking a few people what their thoughts were, I am now on the youth prayer team! I am so excited for this and so excited to see what God is going to do, not only in me but just in that place for all those people. These past weeks I have felt so much peace and freedom within myself. It is the most whole I have felt since starting university. I praise the Lord for taking me on this journey, for teaching me these lessons in surrender, there is still progress to be made, but I believe I am taking steps forward, I am done being comfortable, I am ready to lean on the Lord and take risks, I want to move forward, I pray it will finally not be something I am reluctant to do, but I will welcome the things that are challenging and require all my faith and for me lean and surrender completely to Him. 

Exams are coming up and I am very anxious about not passing some of them. I have done alright in my work so far, getting mostly high passes and occasionally a merit, but the exams and my last couple of assessments are honestly the hardest things. Over Easter, I am basically going to be revising my ass off. But I trust the Lord. I'm hoping I get a bit of a break as well. 

I'm not sure I'm quite ready for this year to end, we still have a few months left and I am going to be soaking up every moment and every memory, but it's sad, I'm gonna miss it. 

This summer there are some fun things planned, I'm going to see Imagine Dragons with one of my friends, we have the summer ball at the end of the year and a few friends and I are going to France in July. It's all very exciting! I am going to miss everyone so much over the summer and miss the people who I won't see next year and even though the academic side of the university is so hard, I have loved it, learning everything, and even more excited for my choice of modules next year.  

I think that is all for now. I'll leave you with a few pictures.

Thanks for reading as always, I enjoy just letting some stuff out every now and then.

BeeBee

xxx