Thursday, 25 October 2018

How am I??

It's been a little while, but that is because I have been very busy with college, homework and revising. I've had a little time on my hands, but I've mostly spent that time trying to relax and distract my mind from the stress, so in other words I've been procrastinating by watching Netflix. But that is not what I cam here for. I came here because I feel like I need to post before I go off to the gathering this weekend, which I am very excited about. 

In college I have been learning a lot more about animals than I was last year, though I still can't decide if I like it more than last year. On a better note though, I have been taking lots of cute photos of the animals and great autumnal/sunset/sunrise photos.


As a family we took time out to go see the giants in Liverpool.

Onto a more serious note, I thought I'd let you know how I'm actually feeling at the moment. (WARNING- This may end up being a massive ramble and not make any sense to anyone, but we'll see how it goes)
At the moment in my life I feel like I am finding it very hard to juggle everything, lots of things in my life seem to be very overwhelming and stressful. I've been praying and praying and praying, and I feel like God is in it with me, but here are few rambly things I am feeling at the moment:
When I first started college this year, I really didn't like it, but I felt God just saying to me over and over that I needed to trust him, that He was there with me the whole time, and I trusted him, I still trust him, I trust him with everything, but I am finding it hard to draw closer to him. I feel like with all the stress and overwhelming stuff, I haven't been able to draw close. 
Over this year, all I have wanted is to find a purpose, to find something that God is calling me to do, in the church, in my college, and just in general life. I have always been told that God has a purpose for me, that I am made for a reason, that God never leaves me and he has a plan, now I don't doubt any of this, its just, I have prayed and prayed about how God wants me to serve him, and I feel like I have never heard an answer, or not ever the answer I want anyway, but just maybe the one I need, the answer has always been, "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10) He has always just told me 'patience' and I don't doubt that that is the best answer, its just hard sometimes, to try to know that God is right and that he loves you and knows best, yet you still feel like you've been waiting for over 10 years for an answer that isn't just, 'wait'. 
Every time I pray to God at the moment, I don't know what to say. When I read my bible, I feel like I am not learning any more about God or Jesus, when I am worshipping in church, I feel like I don't even know how to worship. I feel trapped, like I'm not taking steps backwards, but I'm not going forwards either. ( by the way, if you've got this far, well done because I'm not sure what I am even saying, but thanks for reading about my problems... I think) I know God loves me and there are/ have been weeks were I have felt such joy, peace and love and I wanna jump out of my skin with how happy I feel, but these last couple of months have not been those days. I think ever since I started college this year, I've not known how to feel, this is what I say to God every night before I got to sleep "I just don't know" Because its true, I don't know where I'm going, I don't know what I'm doing with my life. For as long as I can remember I have always wanted to work with animals, to become a zookeeper or something similar, and don't get me wrong, I would still love to do that, but recently I have been wondering how I do that in a way that honours God, in a way that brings the Kingdom of God to earth, and I just dunno really. Over this year I have been more into singing and as you may or may not know, I have been learning to play guitar, now I don't necessarily know if that means I want to do music because honestly, I don't think I would be very good at it, but worship has always been something I have loved, I have always wanted every opportunity to go out and sing to the Lord with others, pouring our hearts out as one. Something I have been thinking about for a while has been to join the worship band, but something has always held me back and I'm not sure what. 
A lot of this is all things God is teaching me, I believe he is teaching me to be more patient, to trust him, to know of his living breath in me. 
One of my favourite songs at the moment is Pieces by Amanda cook, and the main line is "You don't give your heart in pieces", the whole song is about how pure and perfect his love is, and that is one of the things I love about it, it sings of how he isn't broken, we don't get a broken God, we get his whole, perfect, together heart, and just earlier today, I was listening to it and I felt God say his heart isn't just love, his heart is kindness, its trust, its peace, its patience. I felt him saying, that when he gives me his heart, I don't just have his love, I have his strength, his courage, his patience. My problems are not completely fixed, but just in this song I was listening to, I know that If I truly believe that I have God in my heart, then I don't just have a part of him, I have all of him, and this in itself is so much more strengthening. Patience is going to take a while to master, not that I will ever master it, but as long as I have God's heart, I have his patience. Only in the strength of God can I be still and know that he is God.

Well... that is the longest talky thing I have done in a while. I liked writing it though, it helped me to figure it out a little more now that its not just in my head. I hope you enjoyed reading it, if you made it this far. If you have any thoughts, advice, prayer requests, feel free to leave it in the comments. I know I will get through all this, It is only going to take time and perseverance. The Gathering is this weekend and I can't wait to see what God is going to do and teach me, and everyone else. This weekend I am just going to pour out my heart and worship God with all I have because truly, that is all I can ever do. I am going to leave you with a verse that I absolutely love and has always been the verse I have tried to live by.

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Hi, I'm Beefieloo and I'm writing this as my diary ~ kinda, but it'd be great if you comment - I'd LOVE to hear from you :D

BUT ~ keep it nice, my Mum is moderating!!