Last post of the Year I guess

I'm back at Uni! My first term is coming to an end already! When I first arrived back it was definitely weird. There were so many things that were familiar, the campus, the town, the teachers and peers. But, there were also still so many things that were new. A house full of new people, the routine, and even I feel like a new person a little bit. I grew so much last year. Everything was fresh, from the classes and teachers to the drinking and going out. I had yet to work out the balance of everything; assignments, social life and my faith. I went through quite a spiritual transformation last year, bringing me into this year with a fresh mindset about everything. Not only that but over the summer I got baptised and was a Limitless Festival volunteer. I believe both got me out of my comfort zone and were real encouragements and strengtheners for my faith.

Limitless Festival was incredible. It was an awakening for this generation and the longing that this world has for a connection with Jesus and his Holy Spirit. The teachings were terrific and the whole event helped us to listen, wait and connect with the spirit of Jesus. A lot of the nights we would sit in silence just waiting. Waiting on the Lord to move and speak. It was such an encouragement to see the Lord move in these moments among the young people. The testimonies I've heard of the Lord speaking to people during that week are incredible. I got to be a part of a team that helped 480 people respond to the gospel and give their lives to Jesus. 

This first term has been a struggle. I am enjoying it, my lessons are fun and more focused on the animal areas that I am interested in (except research methods, eew ugh). At the end of October/beginning of November, I was really having a hard time focusing on assignments. Every time I would open one I would just wanna shut off and cry, I was fully ready to quit. I know this probably just sounds like what every university student goes through, and it probably is, but I'm talking about it anyway. All my life I have wanted to study animals and work with them, I have never wanted to do anything else. But, in November I really started to question whether it was something I wanted to do or even something I can do, like am I actually capable or am I just gonna fail. I was having an identity crisis! I lost passion for everything, I started to think about the fact that if I did quit, I would have no idea what else I am good at, maybe I'm not good at anything! It was really depressing and very unmotivating because I just kept thinking that I am not capable, maybe I'm just stupid and I suck and I don't know anything! To be honest, I still don't think there is anything else I could do apart from animal management, I think it's the only skill I could pursue a career in (just about). However, my thoughts of being a massive failure have begun to fade with prayer. As always, the Lord was there to pick me up. As much as I thought about quitting and giving up on my lifelong pursuit, the Lord equally reminded me that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, His ways are better than my ways. He reminded me of his promises for me and told me to keep on the path towards Him and I will not fail. Slowly, I began to cast my cares upon the Lord. I reminded myself of things learnt at Limitless Festival and how we must wait on the Lord and wait with the Lord. He restored my strength. I found motivation again. Although one of the assignments still makes me wanna cry, it doesn't make me want to quit. The Lord also encouraged me through my sisters and through new-found friends. Having a community is just so much better than wallowing by yourself. 

To my sister who probably isn't reading this. Thanks for reminding me of the hope Christmas brings. You may have been being a bit silly, but when you said to just put the word 'Christmas' in front of everything, it actually really encouraged me. When you told me to think about them as 'Christmas' assignments (assignments due before Christmas, "Completing them will be a Christmas present to yourself, they're Christmas assignments"). It actually made me feel better and reminded me that Jesus is the hope of Christmas and when I am sticking 'Christmas' in front of everything, I am reminded that we must do all things for the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:31). Christmas was all about bringing glory to God, so why shouldn't my assignments and work be for the glory of God. So, thank you for encouraging me and bringing me Hope when I was feeling down and stressed. 

That same morning, I met someone at church that goes to my uni and we got on straight away. I thank the Lord, that both years, he has gifted me a friend that I may share in the glory of God with. 

As I write this, it is literally 10 minutes until the first of December, and I am listening to Crowder's new Christmas Album and eating cake. I am filled with hope and motivation for the future and filled with the Christmas spirit. Without my family around me, it is hard to feel the Christmas spirit, but this week I have really been trying to choose to spend more time in the Lord's presence and that is enough to fill me with the joy, peace and hope that Christmas is.

Thanks for reading as always. If you're feeling down I hope this encouraged you in some way. I pray you too find the hope that the celebration of Jesus' birth brings. 

Merry Christmas!

BeeBee

xxx

I leave you with these Christmas vibes

The Lesson of True Surrender

 What a year it's been! And it's not even over quite yet. I have too many things I should probably be doing instead of this, but this is hopefully going to motivate me. 

The last time I wrote it had been only three weeks, now it has been six months. There is too much to talk about and yet not enough. University has certainly had its struggles, but for the most part, I have enjoyed it, God has done some amazing things in me and given me the most amazing friends. Friendships at University are honestly one of the best parts. Although there may be a few I won't see next year, I believe we will stay in contact and I can't wait to continue to build on the friendships. My friendship with Tabbie has been particularly wonderful. If you haven't read my previous post, she is a friend of faith and it has been so wonderful to have that bond. What is so wonderful is she also introduced me to someone else who is a Christian and we all started this little Tuesday night worship session in Tabbie's room. It has been one of the best things and such a great support system to be able to gather, worship the Lord together, pray together and talk and discuss the bible. The Lord has given us so much joy and peace in that little room of Tabbie's.

The big lesson God has taught me this year is True Surrender. At the beginning of the year, I really loved doing all the uni things like going out twice a week, or even the fact that I live alone now means I can watch the movies I couldn't watch before. However, turns out, even though these things are fun, they are also the things that pulled me away from God in the first months of uni. Because I was out late, or maybe not even out, just generally up late, I wouldn't get up to read my bible, because I wasn't reading my bible I didn't really feel like going to church, because I didn't go to church, I sort of stopped listening to worship music. I basically became a pretty shoddy Christian, I would pray every now and then, apologise for my behaviour, but not do anything about it, tell myself the lord still loved me, etc. Before Uni I had been reading my bible so regularly and I was so connected to God. I think when uni started I got so excited about being able to do things I always wanted to try, but then I let myself enjoy the things too much because they drew me away from my faith. For almost half the academic year I struggled with this, I wanted to enjoy going out and getting drunk without feeling guilty after, I wanted to not have to put time into my relationship with God, but still have God speak to me and be filled with the Holy Spirit. There would be days when I would get up and read my bible or my devotional and feel connected to God again, but I wasn't really listening to him, I was hearing him telling me to choose Him or my own ways, and I would pray that he would help me be bold and choose him, but then hours later I would forget that I just surrendered to Him and go back to ignoring Him and choosing to do things my own way. The worst part about this is that I knew what I was doing was making me unhappy, it was making me sad and struggle to get through the week because I was so angry with myself, I always felt guilty and stupid and it was just not good, I knew I was living wrong. I would cry out to God for help because I was feeling so torn, I knew I couldn't have both, but I was afraid to give myself to God fully because every time I'm close to God I know He might ask me to step out of my comfort zone. That's what he does, every time I'm closest and stronger in my faith, He asks me to do something brave, something I don't want to do. I really don't like going up in front of people and talking, I don't like shouting out, it even took me a while to join the worship team in the church because I'm so afraid of His callings for me. I was torn between God and the world, but I got comfortable in the struggle. I was crying out for help, but I didn't do anything to change, I just wanted God to make it okay for me to have both, but I can't have both. God doesn't want my halfhearted love, He wants ALL of me. He is a jealous God.

Around February, sick of feeling unhappy and torn, sick of making wrong decisions and not feeling motivated, I decided to make some changes. I began to read my devotional more, began praying regularly, and tried to go to church more, I also had my Tuesday night worship sessions. God began to challenge me, but He also comforted me, He spoke words of love, grace and protection. Being around other Christians is always what I needed. It was better, I was connected to God again, filled with joy, but I still hadn't FULLY surrendered to God quite yet. 

The devotional book I am reading at the moment is by Jeremy Riddle, called The Reset. It is a book about worship and wholehearted surrender. It is so challenging and requires me to truly ask questions about the way I live out my faith. This book has been such a revelation for me, especially during that time of indecision. Fast forward to the beginning of March, I get a message from a friend about signing up to be a volunteer at Limitless Festival. Bear in mind I have previously had a message about this from my brother, my brother asked more generally to the family, but the friend messaged me directly. It was quite funny because I mentioned to her that my brother had messaged about this already and I was thinking about it, she then joked "haha, maybe it's a sign". I laughed this off a little, but I was also thinking the same thing a little bit. Essentially I had to start thinking about and praying about becoming a volunteer for Limitless Festival more seriously. At first, I didn't want it to be a sign, I wanted to continue being just a young adult for one more year, but the more I prayed, the more I talked to others about it, the more I knew it was something I had to say yes too. Even though I knew I had to say yes, I was still slightly hesitant. I kept praying. God helped me to see that I needed to take this step forward in my faith, I had become too comfortable in my cycle of choosing myself over God. I had become too comfortable in saying no to God when He called me. One morning I was reading my book by Jeremy Riddle, and the chapter was bout about complete, wholehearted surrender, he talked about his journey with it and how he learned to die to himself and his dreams and surrender to God's will for his life. His story resonated with me, his journey of struggling to choose between his dreams and God's will. Jeremy eventually found his way down the narrow road by praying "Not my will for my life, but Yours be done.". I needed this. I sat there in my room that morning surrendering everything to the Lord, praying for grace and forgiveness for thinking my way was better, for saying "no" all this time and drifting away from Him over and over again. I asked for bravery, I prayed for confidence in my yes to the Lord. It was an instant peace in my heart that morning. My heart had been so heavy, so torn, but surrendering to the Lord, He freed me.

I eventually got in contact with the person setting up a group of volunteers and we discussed what team I would like to serve on. It took me a few days to decide, but after a couple days of asking a few people what their thoughts were, I am now on the youth prayer team! I am so excited for this and so excited to see what God is going to do, not only in me but just in that place for all those people. These past weeks I have felt so much peace and freedom within myself. It is the most whole I have felt since starting university. I praise the Lord for taking me on this journey, for teaching me these lessons in surrender, there is still progress to be made, but I believe I am taking steps forward, I am done being comfortable, I am ready to lean on the Lord and take risks, I want to move forward, I pray it will finally not be something I am reluctant to do, but I will welcome the things that are challenging and require all my faith and for me lean and surrender completely to Him. 

Exams are coming up and I am very anxious about not passing some of them. I have done alright in my work so far, getting mostly high passes and occasionally a merit, but the exams and my last couple of assessments are honestly the hardest things. Over Easter, I am basically going to be revising my ass off. But I trust the Lord. I'm hoping I get a bit of a break as well. 

I'm not sure I'm quite ready for this year to end, we still have a few months left and I am going to be soaking up every moment and every memory, but it's sad, I'm gonna miss it. 

This summer there are some fun things planned, I'm going to see Imagine Dragons with one of my friends, we have the summer ball at the end of the year and a few friends and I are going to France in July. It's all very exciting! I am going to miss everyone so much over the summer and miss the people who I won't see next year and even though the academic side of the university is so hard, I have loved it, learning everything, and even more excited for my choice of modules next year.  

I think that is all for now. I'll leave you with a few pictures.

Thanks for reading as always, I enjoy just letting some stuff out every now and then.

BeeBee

xxx

Moving to University

Moving away from home is a scary thing, especially when you've lived with 9 people for almost all your life. Uni is so exciting, but at the same time, I don't think it's quite dawned on me what I am about to spend the next 3 or 4 years of my life doing. I've been at uni for 3 weeks and it just feels like a long holiday, but this is my life now. Attending lectures every day and putting effort into reading and other things I don't always enjoy. I am enjoying learning about animals again after being out of education for a year, but it's still scary and it's still uni.

The days before I left were very emotional and stressful, but I got through it and it was actually quite fun the day I moved in. I miss home a lot, that first day I moved, once my mum and dad left I almost burst into tears in the middle of the cafeteria. I managed to hold it in, but it dawned on me, that I am alone, I am without my family, without my comfort space, my safe place, my home. It still feels like that a lot of the time, but I have settled in better and feel more okay on my own now. I'm getting by and God provided the friends I needed straight away. He provided people who made me feel less alone and people with who I feel I can really be myself around and encourage me so much. I've known them for only three weeks, but I love them already. 

Like I said before, I am really enjoying university, but it is so tiring. I have never napped as much as I did in that first week and a half of uni. I was scrolling through a student Instagram page yesterday and I had never related to anything more. I always thought I would manage to skip those stereotypes of being a student, but I didn't, I fell right into those stereotypes of being a uni student. It actually makes me laugh a lot. All those things I thought I'd never relate to because I was going to keep good sleeping habits and do my homework and assignments in good time. I would read a lot and keep my room tidy, I would focus in class and engage, etc, etc. Don't get me wrong, I do focus in class and keep my room to a fairly tidy standard, but I am always tired, I am keeping terrible sleeping habits and I actually forgot to do some homework we got set last week. I even thought about skipping a class the other day because I was so tired, I didn't, but I have never actually thought about doing this, or at least never took this thought as seriously as I did the other day. 

I don't really know where I am going with this post, I just needed to do something that motivates me and wanted to write and tell you guys about how uni is going for me. For the most part, I am enjoying it,  I just need to start getting in the habit of using my time a bit more wisely and not staring at my phone endlessly with all my spare time. Some of the things I really need to start looking at and doing is 1. Buying some books, but man are academic books expensive!! 2. I need to look at booking some driving lessons. I need to really get back into that before I end up leaving it too long. 3. Organising and rewriting notes so that knowledge sticks now and I'm not trying to remember it all when it comes to the actual assignements and assessments. Theres a lot more I need to do, but these are the main ones. I'm convinced this week I will be productive, but probs come Tuesday, that won't be the case.

Let's talk about something really good that's happened  and that I praise God for every day. I already talked about the amazing friends he has given me, we clicked so easy and it was great. But, there is one particular friend I would like to talk about and praise God for. 

For most my life I have never really had Christian Friends my age. I have had Christian friends, but they were always part of a wider youth group, so they were never really 'my friends' if you know what I mean. So the only people I have ever been able to talk to about faith, or my personal faith has been my family, or extended family. Until now. 

Last Sunday, I got a text from a friends mum in Chester who said she had met this girl in church that morning that goes to Reaseheath and wanted to pass on my number to her. I, of course said that's fine. This girl got in contact with me, lets call her Tabbie. She mentioned she was living on campus and wanted to meet because she hasn't yet met anyone on campus who is a Christian, and neither had I. We met up the following Tuesday and we instantly had a connection, we had so much in common and got along. We fed the ducks for a little while, and then we decide to get out of the rain and go sit in one of the cafe's. We continue chatting and a little while later, this girl who had been sitting behind us (Calling her Mel) approaches us and just says something along the lines of "I didn't mean to easdrop, but you guys are the first Christians I've heard of here, I am a Christian too" We all just went "WOW, no way, this is crazy!" you know the usual. We invite her to sit down with us and we all get talking and getting to know each other and it was just so good. Mel eventually had to leave and get to her next lesson, but we exchanged numbers so we could keep in contact and meet again soon. Me and Tabbie were talking once she left and we realised that before Mel came and sat with us, we both had this sense Mel was listening to us, that 'ooh maybe the person behind us is interested in what we're talking about' sort of thing. And then Mel approached us and turns out she was in fact a Christian. It was a Holy Spirit moment. One of those moments you don't realise is the Holy Spirit until its over. It was such a quiet whisper of a thought, but I believe it was the Holy Spirit because both me and Tabbie believed Mel was listening behind us. It was so weird and amazing at the same time. 

Tabbie and I have hung out a couple times since then and each time it just feels amazing that I can mention Jesus or church to someone without getting weird looks or all sorts of questions. I don't mind that sometimes, but you have no idea how good it is to make a friend I can share biblical thoughts with and have interesting conversations about what we both believe and everything. We are also both on an animal course which means I finally have someone that shares my same thoughts on evolution (besides my family). After the first meeting on Tuesday, I went back to my room and just felt so much joy, I was just jumping and smiling about in my room. I am so thankful God has put both these beautiful, faith-filled woman in  my life.

Anyway, I'll end this talky post with a nice basic room tour.

BeeBee

xxx

Hello 2021!

A week and a half into 2021! Happy New Year! I hope despite being back in Lockdown that your year is going okay so far.

A lot happened in 2020, and yet, not a lot happened in 2020. For me, it actually wasn't all bad. I kept up my blog, I stopped biting my nails, I got cats, I started driving lessons, and applied for university. Most importantly, 2020 has been an excellent year for my faith. 2020 allowed time. Time to get to know God. Time to get to know me. Time to relax. Time to be still. Time to be with family. Time to enjoy just being. It's not that I've never had time to do these things, but there has always been college, or school, or assignments and in my free time all I ever wanted to do was switch off and watch a movie. 2020 allowed for a different type of switching off. Yes, I have spent a lot of time on Netflix and social media, but all the time I would usually be doing assignments or college work, I instead got to know Jesus, go on walks and pray, look at the beauty of what Jesus has done in my life and reflect on what God is teaching me in this time. My faith has been strengthened so much just by having nothing to do. 

There are two things that I would say really helped to strengthen my faith this past year.

The first is taking time to listen. To listen to the air and sounds around me rather than constantly having earphones in and blocking up my ears and mind with music and youtube junk.

The second is to allow the spirit to lead. Taking it step by step, day by day. Not dwelling on the bad things or planning anything, but just allowing the spirit to guide my days, my thoughts. This is what really helped me to stay relaxed, joyful, hopeful, and sane during lockdown.

I mentioned before that I had applied to univetsity last year. My first choice was Reading University, but as of yesterday, I have not been excepted into Reading university. This is should be a bigger disappointment to me than it is because I felt so strongly that this was the uni I was supposed to get to, that Reading was where God was calling me to, evidently not. However, I do not feel as disappointed as I thought I would be. I'll admit I was on the verge of tears when I first received the rejection email, but when I started to think about it and pray about it. I realised God's ways are higher than mine. I know that God will send me where I need to go, He is the one who holds my future. Obviously, this does not mean I am not allowed to be disappointed because I am, but it just means that I know my God is bigger, his ways are better and I have been put on this earth to serve his will, his way, and to let his glory be known. If that means I don't get into the uni I wanted to then so be it. I know God is giving me peace and comfort in my disappointment which just makes me love him so much more.

Reaseheath University is my second choice, it's also where all my friends from college go. I've not yet had a reply from Reaseheath, but I really am praying that I get in. I would love to go to the same uni as my friends. I've also been to Reaseheath before when I was in college, and so there would be some familiarity with it. I don't know what God's plans are, but I know they are plans for me to prosper and not to fail, and so I trust in him.

I don't have much else to write about, I just wanted to get some feelings out. I hope that my feelings have encouraged you. I hope your 2021 is going alright. Remember to breathe. Praying 2021 is an all-round better year for this world. 

BeeBee

xxx

How great is our God? Well he is pretty darn great!!

I am so overwhelmed with all that is going on in my spiritual life, God is just revealing so much to me about who he is and how to live life for him and like him. He is changing me and I am shaking writing this and on the verge of tears because I just don't know how to even start or what to even say because its hard to write down. I have this bubbly, excited, jittery joy in my stomach but I don't know how to express it. I wanted to come on here and see if I could just try and get some of it down and hopefully, God will sort it all out as I write. I also pray that as I write this, God would plant something in you or teach you something new or that this would encourage you in some way, so I don' know if any of this will make any sense, but I hope God uses what I have and make sense out of my jittery mess.

I think God started this work within me just before Limitless Festival Online, I had started reading my bible a lot more, I had been reading Galatians and doing a few bible plans/devotions on the bible app and I didn't realise at the time what God was actually doing and how much he was teaching me and preparing me for. I did feel little changes within me as I was reading the devotions and Galatians, but like I didn't take any big notice of it.
Anyway, Limitless Festival Online happened, which was amazing by the way, even though it was sad that we couldn't go for real, God still did some amazing stuff and it still felt like Limitless Festival. On the first night, Tim Alford spoke on 1 Thessalonians 4:11 which reads about making it your goal to lead a quiet life. Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, don't spend time in the morning with your phone before you spend time with Jesus. Going on your phone first thing in the morning is 1. Putting your phone before God and 2. clogging up your brain with all the stuff of the world leaving only a little bit of space for Jesus and the Spirit when you finally come to the word of God. So, at the end of Tim's preach, he made us promise/declare that, in the morning, we would spend time with God alone before we spend any time with our phone. I managed to do it. I thought it would be harder than it actually was. God gave me an open heart to listen and then carry through what I had learnt, so that morning I read Romans 1, each morning after I have read a chapter of Romans a day and my gosh how God has revealed more and more about himself each time which only makes me want to know more and more.

On holiday I only missed one day of reading Romans, but God did not miss any day of speaking to me. I was on social media one day while on holiday and someone had reposted something on their story. It said something along the line of 'we don't run on feelings, if we only wanted to feel God, then it wouldn't be a relationship, we should want to KNOW God.' This just hit me hard because almost every day I pray that I would be able to feel God and from the moment I read this on Instagram I knew I had been doing my relationship with God wrong. So I started to pray about knowing him in every day, that he would reveal more about who he was and that I wouldn't run on feelings or wanting to feel him, but know him as my father and best friend. Now I know and feel as though I actually have a relationship with him, I know more of who he is and who is to me and my heart is constantly burning for more and more its so overwhelming.
I think instead of only telling you that God has revealed who he is to me, I thought I'd tell you and hopefully, he will reveal himself to you too. 

Who is God? He is the Holy one who is so much higher than us. He sits in his throne in Heaven that is higher than space and higher than the space of space. He knows everything, he is omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent. Time is literally in his hands, beginning to the end and everything in-between. He holds the plans for your life and says that they are so so good.
God loves us, me, you more than everything on this earth. He loves you so much that he loved you while we were still, STILL, sinners. He sent his son, his only son to die for you so that you could be close to him and be called his daughter and son just as Jesus is. Through Jesus, we find the love that God has for us. Through Jesus, we are brought closer to the one in Heaven who made us. Who are we to say that we are greater than the one who literally formed us in his hands. There is a verse in Romans 9 that says "Should the thing that was created say to the one who created it "Why have you made me like this?" When a potter makes jars out of clay, doesn't he have the right to use the same lump of clay to make one jar for decoration and another to throw garbage into? In the same way, even though God has the right to show his anger and his power, he is very patient with those whom his anger falls." - Who are we?? Who are we to question God's righteousness? To question his ways? There is another verse in Romans 11 that I love which says " Oh, how great are God's riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways!"
Through my life I know God's ways have never failed, so I do not question them for God is faithful, He is the only one who will be faithful to you your whole life. Others will fade in and out, but remains the same and always faithful. Through the times I was fading in and out of my relationship with Christ, he never ever left me for he promises to always be with us!! He is the keeper of promises, he will never leave you, the bible says "Do not be afraid" May your confidence and hope be in the one who will never leave.

Who is God? He is the one and only, he is the king of the throne, he is my everything, he is 3 in one, he is father, spirit and son. He is the one who deserves the glory, who deserves the ones he created, who deserves all of us, even if we have nothing, he just wants us. He loves you as you are, but he loves you too much to let you stay as you are.

God is changing me.

It's February! The month that means we got through January, the month in which I turn 18 and get to go see Prince of Egypt on the West End. In fact, today is valentines day, and I am spending it with no one other than my true love, Jesus. I had the house to myself for about an hour this morning and I spent it praying, worshipping and cleaning while listening to a podcast by the BibleProject. Once the others got back, I had some lunch and carried on spending time in the Lord's presence by writing in my 'journey with God' book.

These past 2 weeks have been so good. Nothing particularly special has happened, in fact, I've been doing exams, but God's spirit has been with me and I've felt it every day from the moment I've woken up to the moment I've gone to sleep.
Last week in Rooted we had a really good discussion about prayer and it helped me to examine myself and my prayer life, I found myself speaking to myself as I was answering others and talking to other people. Last Sunday was a great one. In the morning as well, my dad was preaching about Fasting. This week our church is taking a week of fasting -  from whatever God calls us to fast - and my dad was preaching on what is fasting, why do we fast and how do we fast. This week as I have been preparing to fast, I have prayed more than normal, I've read my bible more than I usually do, and I've read a devotional about prayer every single morning for the past 6 days. Every single day, God has spoken right into my thoughts and heart through his word and the devotional I'm reading. This past week I have felt God's presence like I never have before and I keep thinking about why I haven't devoted myself to the word like this before. I'm stupid that's why. No, but seriously, I started writing my prayers down and it has made a significant difference to my prayer life. Also, the more I pray, the more I find myself praying, it's crazy. Something my dad quoted in rooted last week when we were talking about prayer, is that we should "pray until we pray". Meaning we should pray until we find ourselves praying in the spirit, praying because the spirit is guiding our prayers. This quote has also changed my prayer, I find myself praying for longer because I don't ever want to stop.

To be honest, I don't really know where I'm going with this, I just wanted to write about what's been going on the past few weeks. My exams, I think, went really well, I did the best I could and now I leave it in God's hands. I have two weeks off for work experience and half term and then I'm back for the next part of my course which mostly contains course work. I'm excited about what the next part of the year holds and excited for what God's going to do. This week, I've really been focusing on God and I hope that over the next few weeks, I don't stop focusing on God and that I only grow closer and more intimate with him.

My prayer for anyone reading this is that they are inspired and encouraged to pray. It really does make a difference, even if you don't have much hope or faith, God listens and he will answer, even if it isn't how you expect.
Thanks for reading.

BeeBee
xxx

2019 Review

Well, I know its a bit late, especially considering January is over in a week, but I've been busy with college and revision and even now, I am writing in my break from revision. Anyways, I'm going to try and remember some of 2019 and give a ' summary' of it.

The start of 2019 was rocky, especially with me skipping a level of college and starting straight on level 3. It meant I had to make new friends and learn all new stuff and basically be almost thrown into the deep end of college. Even though I felt like quitting college in the first few months of 2019, God was always with me, leading me, bringing me peace and being the loving God he always is. I definitely couldn't have made it through college last year without the provision of peace that came from God. When I took my exams for college last year, God was the one I leaned on and he got me through, resulting in me ending the year with a Merit grade and also great friends to move onto the next year with. I would say that last year of college was definitely one of the hardest parts of my life, but it has really helped me to grow in confidence and also helped with my faith, plus I met my best friends.

The summer is honestly a little blurry in terms of personnel stuff, but I'm sure there were ups and downs in terms of it. Mostly I remember having joy in the summer, summer is mostly a joyous time for me. I'm just generally happier in summer. One part of the summer I do remember is that I took my relationship with God for granted. I was in a great place with God, but I started having a mindset that I wasn't aware I was having but it was a mindset of a Sunday relationship, which basically means, I would only care or work on my relationship with God on a Sunday at church. This is a terrible mindset to have and I don't remember exactly when, but I think it was just before limitless festival, or maybe during limitless festival that I realized I was having this mindest and I needed to sort myself out because otherwise my mental state was not gonna be good for very long. So I basically prayed, worshipped and eventually re-found my relationship with Christ. My relationship came out a whole lot stronger for it too.
Limitless Festival was definitely the best thing that happened in 2019. It was just exactly what I had needed for a really long time. It was an answer to my prayers and it happened at exactly the right time. I love how God works, it's so incredible and nothing like I ever imagine. If you want to read more about what God did then go read my Limiless Festival blog post I did in August.

Since Limitless festival, my relationship with Christ has been much stronger, deeper and closer. College has felt better, my worship and faith have felt better and it's because I find myself rooted in Christ more than I ever have. I find it so hard to describe how it feels when something changes drastically in my life, so the only way to describe it is that I do just feel more free and rooted in Christ.
 It's crazy when I think back to the beginning of 2019, it almost feels like a dream, but I know because of it I can worship Jesus and have a faith that is so much stronger than before.

The last couple of months have been good. I've been stressed and anxious at times about all that is coming, such as me turning 18, my last year of college and I'm taking my last exams this week; in a couple years I'll be in University hopefully and In my gap year, who knows what will happen. It's all nerve-racking, but despite the anxiety of it all, I find my comfort and trust in Christ, so I know I don't have to worry about it because it's all under his control. I have a certainty in God that I haven't had in previous years and it feels so good. 

Overall, I'd say that the second half of 2019 was pretty amazing, but it wouldn't have happened without the first part of 2019, so I guess that was alright too. I hope you enjoyed reading my little recap/review of 2019, I certainly enjoyed writing it. I should hopefully be back writing another post soon, probably in 3 weeks or so and I'll most likely be talking about how I think my exams went. So, talk to you then.

BeeBee
xxx

Immanuel - God with us

December 1st, and so begins the countdown to one of the best days of the year!! I am so excited for Christmas because when am I not? but also because it's been ten years since we went away for Christmas with our extended family. Mostly it has been a tradition to spend boxing day with the extended family, but ten years ago we actually went away for Christmas and stayed in this house thing and it was a lot of fun. This year we are all a lot older obviously, but for some reason, I feel like that's what is gonna make it that much better. The only sad thing is, it could be our last Christmas where it's possible for us to all be together without the oldest ones being occupied elsewhere, so this year, its gonna be special in so many ways.

Anyway, I didn't come to talk about my excitement for Christmas, instead, I wanted to talk about how recently I have really been feeling the presence and peace of God and I really can't express my love and utter aw and wonder for Him enough.

My college assessments are coming up this week. Monday and Tuesday I have my theory writing assessment, on Wednesday I have my practical assessment and Friday I have my mock exam and in just 5-6 weeks I have actual exams. This is all scary as heck and literally, every day I go into college at the moment one of us in my friendship group will be stressing and having a mental breakdown. For me though, the stress is different, like my friends have actually cried over the amount of stress that is overwhelming them, but for me, there is a sort of peace about the stress I'm feeling. Over this year I have gone through so much, whether that's physically, mentally or spiritually. I have gone through physical battles of myself, I have gone through battles of the mind, but also through battles with God and his calling for me, but through it all, God has been the one I go to. Even when I was battling Him, He would be the one I talked to, He would be the one who understood, the one who wanted to listen, who was there and present and helping me to understand, He was the one sending me peace, grace, mercy, forgiveness, and love.

A Couple of weeks ago I was really struggling, every time I would be on my way home from college I would be on the bus home and want to start breaking down and crying, but the tears never really came and it's not because I wanted to hold it together and not cry, because all I wanted to do was cry, but I think that maybe I didn't cry because on a spiritual level, I knew God had everything in his hands and there was no need to be stressed, anxious or fearful of what was to come and I didn't realize this until just a couple days ago.
This week we got our assessment week timetable and got told it was 6 weeks until our actual exams and I freaked, especially considering we have to get 315 hours of work experience this year too. This basically means I have to revise, do any homework or assignments and do work experience on my days off all in such little time. To me, it feels like a crazy amount, maybe it's not as much as I make it out to be and maybe other people have more work to do than me, but I'm not trying to compare myself to anyone else, I am only saying that this is stressful for me. Anyway, this week as I've been revising and writing notes for my theory assessment, I've been remembering my mums preach in church a couple weeks ago about finding rest in the work, about how we can find a calm and rest in God amongst the busy, overwhelming work full days. I also rediscovered a playlist of acoustic Christian music to listen to that has really got me through this week. Within the playlist there are so many songs that are about seeking God's presence, but also about knowing that God is with us and in control and has brought us through storms and will not leave us in this one and I have felt such an utter presence and closeness to Christ within these songs. I know that I can trust God and I can talk to Him and He understands my situation and He knows me and He is my best friend. He really is, He has always been my best friend and I have found such wholeness in Him this year. I used to be so sad and depressed about the fact that I never really had a best friend, I had friends I thought were my best friends, but never really were, then this year, I have great friends, but I still can't seem to call them my best friends, and just this weekend I have come to notice that God is my best friend and I don't need a best friend that is 'human' God is all I need, I can speak to Him about anything and everything, I praise Him and go to Him, but not only that, He is always there for me, He always wants me, He is always showing me love, even when I don't deserve it, He is always helping me and leading me and speaking to me and always with me. He is my Immanuel. He doesn't have to do any of this, I certainly don't deserve it because I'm not always the greatest at being a friend back, but He still chooses me as His child and friend and loved one.

I'm not gonna lie, I'm still nervous and anxious as heck for this week, but I can say and know so confidently that God is with me, He is with us, I can trust him with my fears and anxieties and I do not need to be afraid. Being afraid is only allowing the devil to win, it's only allowing him to take hold of me, but I choose God and His strength and His love. God is so much greater and stronger than any fear or storm that may come my way. So I say all praise to God this December and forevermore, no matter the results on my mocks and no matter my results for the real thing.

Immanuel - God With Us

BeeBee

xxx

My story part 2: Limitless Festival

Here we are again, part 2. Before I start though, I thought I would let you know how an average day went because it might be helpful because of what and the way I'm going to be talking about it.

So, in the mornings it would be breakfast and all the youth leaders would have a meeting. About 10:00-11:00 everyone (except the 0-11 who had their own venues and sessions) would gather in the main venue, also known as the youth venue, to have a worship session and to be let known what was going on in the day. After we all finish worshipping together, the young adults(17-Youth leader age) would split from the youth(12-17) at about 11:15 and would go the YA venue for a preach and sometimes a little extra worship, while the youth stayed in the youth venue for their seminar.

In the afternoon everyone would go back to either their campsites or, if they were being catered for, the social area for lunch. From about 1:15-5:00pm there would be all sorts of activities and workshops going on, such as, creative, song writing, dance, band and kids’ workshops, but also sports activities, inflatables, swimming, roller skating, etc. All the afternoon activities were finished by 5:00 so that everyone could have dinner before the evening meetings at 7:00. There would be no altogether meeting in the evening, instead the young adults went straight to their venue and the youth to theirs. In the evening meeting there would be lots of worship, a preach and a call to respond at the end. The evening meetings were supposed to finish around 9:00, but sometimes they went on a little longer if God had different plans.

To make the days last longer, there were after hours, to me, these were always the best parts. In the after hours there was a silent disco, late night worship, a cinema, open mic and more. Every night I went to the late-night worship, except the last night because it wasn't on.

That is a summary of what an average day would be, now let's get on to the Jesus stuff.

Limitless Festival day 1.

The first day of Limitless Festival started in the afternoon because everyone has to get there to pitch tents, so on the first day it’s only an evening meeting. The first night, I think, was my favourite because it was the one that started the whole event and it is also the one that set me free allowing me to be filled with joy and praise for the rest of the week.

Let me first off say that the theme of the week was 'Trash Talk' the whole thing was about trash talking the devil and all the little voices in our heads, so on the first night in the Young Adults venue the guy preaching was talking about the past and one of things he asked right at the beginning was "Do you feel like you aren't going forward or backward? Do you feel 'spiritually trapped'?", and as I said in part 1, this is exactly how I felt and in the moment, it literally felt like he was talking to only me and no one else was in the room, but basically the summary of the preach was that we have to deal with the past, before the past deals with us, the past can chase us down and catch up to us and we can't move on until we deal, we will keep trying to run away from it, but it will catch us up if we don't face it today, but there is someone who is here to fight it with us, who will fight for us.

For me it was a battle I had been fighting for a long time. It wasn't necessarily the 'past' I was fighting, it was almost a battle of motivation or wandering if God was 'worth it', I of cause knew He was worth it, but I felt like my journey with Him was getting old and boring and repetitive and so I was kind of running away emotionally, from the responsibility of being a Christian, I was sort of afraid of getting too close to God. I knew this was a problem and I tried to fight it myself, I tried praying by myself, but not really asking God for help, I also didn't tell anyone what I was struggling with, I kept it to myself, just running and running, so when Jesse Willis (The guy preaching) preached about the past and 'The place of no escape'(The title of his preach) I knew it was God speaking right into me and that He was doing something inside of me, I will never be able to explain. When it was the call to respond, I went up for prayer, because I knew that it was time to let go of whatever was holding me back from God, it was time to let someone pray for me and time for me to be free, it was time to change, to finally allow God to change me. That night I was refreshed with a new desire for God, a new yearning. I was free.

In the late-night worship session, I gave it all to God, I gave all my praise and He refreshed me and sent His holy spirit. The rest of the week I was free and filled with a joy I can't explain.

Limitless Festival day 2.

We now had a full day to experience God. The morning worship in the youth venue was great, now feeling closer to God, I felt my praise was freer as well, if that makes any sense. Anyway, when we split of to the YA venue, the preach was spoken by a guy called Mark Ritchie, who by the way, is hilarious, but that's off topic. Mark Ritchie was speaking on trash talking fear, specifically fear when it comes to evangelism. My whole life I have struggled with fear, it is an ongoing war inside of me that God is helping me fight. Mark Ritchie was basically talking about the fact that we have a burning why inside of us, a need to do something, a need to bring the broken people to life. He preached on Mark 2:2-5 about the friends who lowered their paralysed friend through the roof to get heeled by Jesus. He was basically saying that it was the why burning in them that gave them the strength to lower their friend through the roof. We must have a burning why for God and his broken people.

This preach got me thinking about how all my life, I have felt God calling me to prophesy. He has always given me words or pictures, whether for me or for someone else. The thing is, every time I could work up enough bravery or confidence to tell these words or pictures to anyone, I would cry or go bright red and honestly, I hated it a lot. I disliked sharing things from God, I hated crying and being nervous and going red, but I also hated myself when I didn't share something God gave me because I would then feel guilty and disobedient and it would make me feel like garbage. But, you see, I knew what God was calling me to do, so I wanted to want what God had for me, but I found it too hard, so I avoided it as much as possible.

As Mark was preaching about having a burning why, I knew I needed prayer because I didn't have the burning why for what God is calling me to do, so I went to get prayer when it was the call to respond, I told the person who prayed for me what I needed prayer for and the prayer she prayed, the words she spoke over me to the Lord, were exactly what I needed. She prayed, from what I remember, something along the lines of "Lord help Phoebe to have a new burning inside of her for what you have for her, help her to have a burning why for you, give her words to speak over others and may it be easy, Lord at the beginning make it easy for her. Refresh her heart for you and her calling and let her burn brightly for you." The Lord stirred something within me through this prayer, I felt a fire light within me, I didn't necessarily know it or acknowledge it to start with, but it was there, the burning for the calling God had called me to, to prophesy, little did I know God would do something incredible.

In the evening it wasn't the preach that God used to speak to me. All the songs so far and all God was doing within me, the kind of theme or words God was speaking to me were just 'New Life' like, so far it was just God giving me a new life, a new breath, a new refreshment and way of seeing life. I felt God was telling me to share this, but I didn't want to, some part of me felt it wasn't right to share it, even after all that prayer in the morning, I was still making excuses not to share what God had put on my heart, excuses like, "God, I think this is just for me" or "There isn't a good time", "someone is singing", "The mic isn't free" Etcetera. This of cause, left me feeling terrible, I was praying and praying that God would help me to get it out, or to take it off my heart, that there would be another opportunity tomorrow and then I would share it or something like that. God had a different and better plan than I did though.

When it got to the end of the evening meeting, I didn't feel finished with God, I didn't feel like God was finished with me, so I made my way into the late night worship, not really knowing what to say to God, just knowing that I needed to be with him, so as I entered into the venue of the late night worship, I found a wall, slid down it, and just started to cry, not sob, but just cry, tears simply falling from eyes. I stayed there on the floor for a good half an hour, not really knowing why I was crying to be honest but resting in God's peace and forgiveness and knowing that the joy would come in the morning. After I'd had a good cry, I stayed in the evening worship having a good chat with a friend about life.

Limitless Festival day 3.

Today was filled with praise and thanksgiving. In the morning worship we were just declaring that we would always sing praise to God, even in the middle of the mystery. The YA morning seminar was done by Tim Alford, before he started talking though, we dove into a little more worship. Tim was talking to us about how we can use social media as a positive thing, and not as something that makes us compare ourselves or make us feel bad. I honestly, don't feel bad when I scroll down my social media feeds, and I'd also heard Tim Alford preach about social media at the Gathering last year, but it was a good reminder of how social media can be negative and positive. Tim's talk was a reminder of how, when social media affects us, it can then affect our journey with God, for example, if we're spending too much time on YouTube or scrolling down Instagram, then we don't and aren't spending enough time in our bibles getting to know Jesus. I know I am guilty of spending too much time watching things on YouTube or Netflix which is one of the reasons why I found myself pretty lost some of 2018. Since this preach though, I try to be off my phone or at least off Netflix or YouTube between 10 and 11pm, I am going to change it to earlier though when I go back to college. Tim Alford is very good at talking about social media and how we can limit our time to then spend more time with Jesus or simply taking time doing more of our hobbies. Tim's preach was also good at advising us on how to be better when posting on social media, so overall it was a good and fun talk.

This whole night of day 3 was incredible, just everything about it. First off, the preach was incredible, even though it didn't speak to me in any big way, it was a great time of God just teaching me and a great time of learning how to live that little bit better and closer to Jesus. He was preaching about ego and his title was "The battle for your soul is a battle for your ego."  He was preaching about how we have to develop and invest in our character in the waiting. One of the things he said was that 'ability can get us through the door, but character keeps us in the room'. There were so many things in this preach, that stuck out to me, not because of any major thing I was going through, but simply because they were things I needed to apply to my life, so another thing he said was that 'passion is nothing without purpose, purpose guides the passion'. One of his main points was that we must learn to exercise our courage, we have to face our giants 'scared is what you're feeling, courage is what you're doing'. This preach spoke to me in so many little and amazing ways, and what’s even greater, is I went into that meeting thinking, 'Oh I don't have a problem with ego, I don't think I'll be taking many notes on this', but it then turned out to be the one, I would say, I learnt the most from and took the most notes on, God always moves in the most unexpected ways.

Day 3 of late-night worship, for me, was so powerful and so incredible and honestly, I would say, the best night of them all. It started out with quite a few people, we were just praising, people encountering God in many different ways, I, myself, was down on my knees many times, just singing, praising, asking God for more. It was this night that I felt overcome by peace, I felt like shouting to the Lord and yet staying still with my mouth shut, all at the same time. I wanted to stay in the presence of God, bowing down on my knees and just listening to his voice, but I also wanted to jump up and dance around the room, even if there was no music, it was an incredible moment with Jesus.

Later, in the evening, it got so powerful. This guy goes up to the front and starts talking about Jericho, when the Israelite let out a shout of praise and the walls came down. Suddenly the whole room starts shouting, we all start screaming and shouting to the Lord, in the Lord's name we knocked walls down with a cry and a shout of praise. It was an overwhelmingly mighty moment, and, incredibly loud, but the power and presence of God that was in that room that night was so intense.

Now remember that I said in day 2 that I got prayed for so that I would want to prophesy and not hate it when I did it and that, to start with, it would be easy, well this night, I saw it in myself and God answered the prayer that I had been praying over and over in my heart and I managed to go up and speak in the mic about what God had put on my heart and I didn't cry, I didn't go bright red, I hardly even let myself get nervous, I just did it, it was easy. I had basically been singing spontaneously that "Faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains" and this then got me thinking that I want to have more faith than a mustard seed, I want to have enough faith in God that I would be able to move 12 mountains. The band then started singing "Let faith arise" and I knew then that I had to share my thoughts, I knew they were from God, and so I went up grabbed the mic and shared. As I walked back to my seat, I was so joyful, the Lord gave me a brave, courageous heart, I couldn't thank the Lord enough. The night carried on for quite some time, but eventually, we made our way back to the tents, were we then found out that the main venue where everyone meets in the morning had flooded, so we were a bit curious about what was going to happen the next morning. It was crazy rains that night, like I was in the tent talking to my friends and we literally had to shout to hear each other over the rain on our tents, it was crazy, but I did eventually get to sleep and it was a pretty good sleep at that.

Limitless Festival day 4.

Now the main venue may have been flooded, but that did not stop us from meeting together to worship God, the leaders were incredible and set up the morning worship meeting in the social area. The morning was incredible. You should probably know that pretty much from the second day we'd had weather warnings of very strong winds and storms, weather warnings so bad that other events had cancelled, but limitless festival was stubborn, we chose to not let the enemy win, the previous night, so many tents leaked badly, meaning that lots of peoples stuff got sopping wet and they had to sleep in the social area, my youth group all managed to stay dry, but there were a lot of people with big puddles in their tents. So, when it came to worship that morning, we worshipped loud with over 100 voices singing together as one. We sang of a great God that fights our battles for us and how the enemy had been defeated. There was a moment where we thought limitless festival was going to have to be cancelled because of the strong wind warnings, but thanks to everyone's prayers and the incredible team, everyone got moved to the cow sheds and the social area to sleep the next night. Basically, the wind warnings were too strong that it was against health and safety to keep everyone in tents, so we all got separated into girls in the social area and boys in a big cow shed. Day 4 was a bit of a crazy one because it basically meant that our morning seminars got moved to where lunchtime was because everyone had to get packing down their tents and moving their stuff around the site. For us ladies, because the social area still had to be used during the afternoon, all the girls of every youth that came, had to shove their stuff into one corner. For the boys it was easy, the cow sheds they were sleeping in may have stank, but there was a lot of space, so much space that it was used for the catering area for people who brought their own food. As well as having a different time for our seminars, the weather meant that a lot of the afternoon activities couldn't happen because some were outside activities, this also meant that most people were in the social area making it difficult to have inside inflatables on, all this made the afternoon a little boring, but the day was still good. 

Once we finally separated into young adults and youth, we had a woman called Rachel Gardner come in and preach to us about 'identity' and it was a good preach. For me it was a lot of just reassurance of what God had taught me over the last two years. In 2017 I got to a point where I really didn't like my body, but it quickly past when I started reading my bible more and found my identity in Christ. So, this preach was sort of a reminder that I can always rely on God for my future and best life.

Phil Knox came to speak in the evening, he is the guy that spoke on stereotypes and trash talking the stereotype that young people don't go to church. As I said at the beginning of my story (part 1) his main points were telling us to look up, speak up and step up.  There were so many things in this preach that were so enriching. I guess that all the preaches that were spoken over Limitless Festival were real eye openers for me, it’s like I'd heard it all before, but never actually listened and told myself that I needed to apply it to my life. This year at Limitless Festival, all of it has really stuck, and I feel closer to God and like I'm able to feel him and be with Him all the time, no matter what I'm doing. Everything that was spoken at limitless festival was inspiring, encouraging and enlightening, I learned so much.

The last late night worship, there are no words to describe this night, it was so, beautiful and wonderful and, uh, so empowering, there is no way to describe it, it was pure worship, the few people in the room singing of how wonderful and glorious the Lord is. The thing for me that night was just the utter peace that consumed me, I had hit a point where I was like, "Lord, what's next? I know there is so much more than this." I kept on saying or singing over and over, that there is still more, we can still go deeper, there is still more, Lord you're not finished yet. Because that was the thing, so much had happened, we had seen so many amazing things happen in this week and it could feel like we had reached the peak of what God had for us, but we hadn't, haven't, there is so much love and joy and so many more places to go, there is deeper water and deeper and better plans that God has that we are nowhere near, we have, not at all reached, all of what God has for us, so I kept singing to the Lord that I was not satisfied yet, I need more, I want more because Lord I know there is more. A peace and joy fell over me, a flame inside of me that would not be extinguished easily.

The late-night worship went on for so long, way longer than it was supposed to, there were only about 13 people left in the room as we were finishing. As they started finishing worship, I stepped to the back of the room where there were a few people sitting on the sofas chatting quietly or resting, I decided to sort of rest in the peaceful presence of God, so that's why I stepped to the back, but that left about five-six people at the front plus the 3 people on band singing praise to God. After worship, the band leader decided he wanted to pray with the people that were left worshipping. I was going to go over there and pray with them, but I felt the spirit keeping me at a distance for a bit, so I sat on a chair in the back, listening to the prayer from a distance. As they were coming to a finish in prayer though, I felt like I needed to share what this evening had been for me, so just as someone was finishing there prophesy over someone, I quietly walked over to the prayer circle and shared that the 'Lord hasn't finished yet, we may feel like we have experienced all of Him, but there is so much more of Him that we have not even began to see.' It's always a great encouragement when someone adds on to what you have said as well because then you know that it meant something, so one of the leaders in this prayer circle added onto what I was saying, that he too, felt similar, that 'this year is the year of revival, that there has been something happening in the atmosphere this week, in these young hearts, these young people, that they are going to stir up revival in their schools and homes and young people in general.' This is exactly how I had been feeling over the whole of this day, that God is stirring our hearts for the broken, for our non-Christian friends, for our family members, for our whole schools, that this is a broken world in need of a God. One of the things that Phil Knox was saying in his stereotype preach was that we have to trash talk the religion story and start talking about the relationship story. Having a life with God is not a set of rules telling you what you can and can't do, telling you what you have to do, but having a life with God is a relationship, it's knowing that He is always there, it’s being able to trust Him with literally everything, its having a love that will love no matter what you have done or will do, it’s having Him always stretch you and help you to grow, having Him always ready to listen, a Father with His arms always open, a king and saviour and a new way of life; Living with God is new life!

Limitless Festival day 5.

Today was a great, but sad day, it was sad because it was the last day, but that is also what made it special.

Morning worship was back in the main venue because they had managed to sort it out after it flooded. It was a wonderful time of powerful worship praising the Almighty before we went to our seminars. James Aladiran was speaking for our last day, he is an incredibly anointed speaker. He spoke about spiritual warfare, it was another preach, where it was not anything specific that spoke to me, but little things he said that I could agree on or know that I needed to apply to my life, a great preach full of ministry and learning. I went up on the call to respond because I know that I need to get out there and act, take hold of the sword, the word of God and use it in my battles. Using the bible rather than just reading it, is something that I struggle to do, but God is slowly teaching me how to not only read it but use it and let it teach me and show me how to live.

The evening was another excellent night of worship with the guy named Mike Nicholls talking about anxiety. I do sometimes get small anxiety, but I've never had a major anxiety attack or been majorly anxious. Mike's preach was more focussed on people who do have anxiety, but it was still great for people like me who only have a bit of anxiety. I didn't go up for the call to respond, instead I waved my arms around in worship for all the Lord had done this week. By the end of the night the whole room was alight with joy jumping around in worship and raising a hallelujah to the one who saves.

As I said at the beginning, there was no late-night worship on the last day, so instead I went to the silent disco. My whole youth group went to the silent disco and so did my friends, it was a load of fun. The theme of the silent disco was DJ requests, so there were some banger songs and then occasionally a song I had never heard in my life, but it was exciting and jamming and a good ol' party to finish off the event.

We slept one more night and left early the next morning.

Limitless Festival was such an indescribable event. I mean, I've tried to describe how immense it was, but I've hardly captured the half of it. I am so ready to start back at college. Since being home, I have done something every day to connect with God, even when I don't feel like it, I will read my bible or listen to worship music or colour in my devotional or written this, reflecting on what God has done for me over the years of life or I’ve tried to do anything to connect with and be with God each day. I am moving forward finally, and there are so many more storms to come, but with God I know the seas will come to a still. God is so so good and I pray for everyone that was at limitless festival this year that they will set their schools spiritually alight and that we would all bring revival in 2020, starting from now.

BeeBee

xxx

My story

Just been to Limitless Festival for the first time and boy oh boy has my life changed and rather than talk about each day individually or even talk about Limitless Festival at all, instead, I would like to tell my story. I would like to tell my story because the theme of the week was 'trash talk' and one of the preachers in the Young Adults venue got assigned stereotypes to talk about. He decided, in this preach, he was going to trash talk the stereotype that 'young people don't go to church'. His main points were LOOK UP, SPEAK UP, and STEP UP. One of his points in SPEAK UP was just to tell your story and say why it is different because God is in your life. So, he set us homework to go home after the week and write our story down, so here I am writing my story down, and apparently sharing it with whoever even reads my blog anymore.

I realise that I’ve never really written my story or told my story, my 'testimony' if you will, to anyone. I've written parts of it down, like things I'm going through in the moment and how God is working through it, but I've never told or written even a summary of my testimony, so I thought it would be a good idea if I did, not only for other people to read and see, but also for me, for me to see and remember what God has done in my life and how He has been in every situation and also so I can know for me, why I choose Jesus.

So here we go.

I have grown up in a Christian family, I've always been to church always had my dad working as a pastor, so I've never really known any different, but the first time I actually remember giving and committing my life to Jesus was when I was about 7, I was eating my breakfast in the morning and I don't even know what day it was, but I just said simply, "God I want you in my life, I want you to live in me". Now, my life was not radically changed in that moment, in fact I don't think I really even knew what I was doing or understood fully what God or who God was, I just knew that he was real and I loved Him, I can't really explain it because to be honest, I don’t remember it much, but that is the first time I remember giving my life to Jesus.

Anyway, as I said, my life wasn't radically changed, in fact it changed so little, that I felt like I had no relationship with God at all, so I basically, for many years, until I was about 9 or 10, I kept asking repeatedly for God to enter my life. I just kept asking and asking even though He was in my life, I kept asking and asking because I guess I didn’t really understand what it meant or ‘felt’ like to have Jesus in my life..

In 2010, I had my first year of Energi (you can read about Energi in some earlier and cringe worthy blog posts back in 2013 and upwards if you dare.)  At that point I was only 8, so Energi was a good opportunity for me to know more about Christ, meet new people, and be genuinely engaged more with Christianity and the church. It did help become more engaged, when I got home, I started reading my bible more and praying more by myself, in fact I even came up with a ‘secret place’ where I could have some quiet time with God. I had a great first year of Energi and wanted to return the next year and the year after that. 

Energi 2013 is when I got the gift of tongues. It was my last year of being a junior, which I was excited about because I felt too old for the juniors now and that I had got everything I could out of it. That year of Energi though, I did make some good friends, and make stronger bonds with friends from previous years. At this point in my life, I had a relationship with Christ, in fact before Energi 2013, I had been praying for the gift of tongues for a long time, and I asked to be prayed for at Energi that year and received the gift of tongues. My faith was strengthened, and I really started trusting in Jesus and his promises that year.

2013 was also my first year of the Gathering. This was honestly a great experience, it also allowed for me to connect with my youth group more as quite a lot of us went that year. The theme that year was 'compelled' and it was kind of about being yourself, don't take other people’s judgement and live for God. One of the things I really remember from that year, was when it was the call to respond after the preach, I prayed for someone from my youth group, as far as I can remember it was the first time I had actually prayed for someone, any who, while I was praying for them, they turned around to tell me "Don't let anyone ever tell you you're too young" and then we hugged and cried together. In that moment, I felt the holy spirit, and in that time of my life, I was really trying to fit in as an older kid, but that year of The Gathering really taught me to just be myself, no matter how young or old. As I worshipped that weekend and connected with God, I felt something change within me.

 One other thing from that year is, I started to fall in love with worship. If you didn't know this about me, worship is my favourite way to connect with God and hear him speaking to me, so the Gathering is where I first felt that worship was the thing I wanted to do all the time. I started listening to worship music a lot, people like Bethel Music, The Afters, Sidewalk Prophets, Mercy Me, etc. Worship music is how I connected with God in my every day. 

I was home-schooled, until I was 14 and went to college, so my life was pretty lonely without friends outside of church, but even with my friends at church, they were pretty much all older than me, I mean I had my siblings, but there siblings, so not really the same as friends. I had my child-hood friend, who I did love and sometimes hang out with still, but we started hanging out less and less as she went to high school.

The other friends I had outside my church were from Energi, so I only saw them once a year. One of my friends though, who I met my second year of Energi, we talked quite a bit, we emailed, sent letters, even talked on hangouts. We became good friends and helped each other through some tough stuff. I honestly thanked God for every little conversation we had because she was a real gift from God at the time. She was the first 'non-Christian' friend that I had and it was a great part of  my life being able to answer her questions about God, even though I did not know that much myself, only being about 11 or 12, it was a part of  my life where I had to be praying constantly that God would use me. I felt so young, but for God to use me to speak and pray into her life felt incredible and made me fall in love with God more and more knowing that He wanted to use me.

When I got to my teens, I started getting interested in taking notes in church during the sermons, I even started praying about absolutely everything, I mean everything! I'm talking, "Lord help me complete this level of snake" praying, I would literally pray about everything and anything. I also tried reading my bible more often. When I was about 13, I tried reading the bible right from the beginning until the end. Let me tell you, it did not work, once I got to psalms, I gave up and just started reading the New Testament. Which I’ll have you know, I have read the whole of and now trying to make my way through the old testament books, but not in order.

2015 was interesting. I had just turned 13, so it’s that awkward age of puberty and you're getting too old for some things and still too young for others. I still felt like the youngest out of my friendship group (which I was), I still got left out of 'older sibling things' in the house, I thought I was so cool, but let’s face it, I wasn't 😂. I felt too young for youth group because everyone would treat me like the youngest or the baby when all I wanted, was to fit in and feel wanted, and at the same time I was too old for Sunday school.

This time in my life really kind of knocked my confidence because I didn't really have any friends and I didn't really fit in anywhere, so I felt sad and lonely and maybe a little bit sorry for myself. God was always there though; I was still constantly praying to Him, hoping and trusting that I would make it out of this depressing lonely place. I knew he was there as well because in places like gymnastics, I still had a few friends, but I was enjoying it less and less because the good friends I had there, had left and the teacher that helped me develop left too. Eventually I quit, just before we moved, and I started college in September.

I thought as the 2016 rolled in, everything would change and things could start to get better, cos you know, new year spirit, revolutions and all that jazz, I thought "This year is going to be different, this year I'm going to be more confident, it’s going to be great, I'm going to read my bible lots, go on social media less... Blah, blah, blah" and yet, there I was 7 days into the new year, writing in my diary about how I wished perfect people existed and that I was one of them, also how I realised that I had social anxiety and pretty much hated speaking in front of lots of people and even being around lots of people.

The new year never goes how you plan it, but I know, that If I hadn't gone through all that I went through in 2015-16, I would not be where I am and who I am, today.

Even though the beginning of 2016 sucked, it was the year that I started to prophesy. It was Easter evening and we had a worship night, God gave me a few inspiring words to say, despite the fact I was majorly nervous and basically sobbing, I spoke in front of people, on a stage, in a mic, which are like all things I hated, but I did them anyway. Now not all those inspiring words I shared may have needed to be shared or even been from God, but if no one else needed them, then it was just for me to gain some confidence. When I think back to that Easter night, I do cringe a little, just because I know all of what I said, I didn't need to say, and sometimes I just hate myself a little the way I share things, but I know now that God had a plan. I don't know if what I shared that night meant anything to anyone, but I pray that it did.

Fast forward to July 2016, I still didn't really have any friends, in fact there were times I would cry myself to sleep, crying to God for a friend. In July 2016, Mum and Dad decided that God was calling us to Liverpool. God was working so much in this, If I knew everything that was going to happen in these two years in Liverpool back when we were first moving, I probably, would feel the same. You see when we knew we were moving to Liverpool, there wasn't loads I was going to miss.

I had just started to feel a little more at home in the youth group, but not loads; I did love Nantwich town and the whereabouts of where we lived, but apart from that, there was nothing really there for me in Nantwich, so the whole process of moving, I felt really at peace with it. God just set this peace in my heart, that I knew Liverpool was the next place for me, for the family, it just felt... right.

We moved to Liverpool in September, I started college in Reaseheath, this is when I saw God moving in my life, that I knew all my praying wasn't for nothing. When we moved to Liverpool and I started up at Reaseheath, I felt God's love just moving within me. In Reaseheath I found friends that were my age, that included me that listened to me and laughed with me. My friends also brought out a confidence in me I had forgotten or didn't even know about.

Reaseheath was a massive part of my life and even though I was only there for a year, I made some friends for life and learnt things that I would soon find very useful in my next year of college in Myerscough.

2017-2019 has been so much better, there have been ups and downs, but 2017 was a great year, it was the year I learnt and got filled of God's great everlasting joy and peace. As I said though there were ups and downs, for example, in 2018 and even a little at the start of 2019, I felt a little numb in my Christian life, like I wasn't moving forward or backward, I was just kind of stuck. You can read more about that if you read my 'How am I??' blog that I wrote back in 2018. 2018 was not only the year of struggle, but in November I had NCS, which is where I met many people who helped to boost my confidence and really encouraged me to push harder and not to give up. NCS is an experience that I will never forget because of how much it helped me, encouraged me and also for the friends I made there.

2019 is where we are now. It’s not the end yet and its already been crazy. Let’s start from the beginning when I was in college and stressed as heck! from January to about May is when I had to revise constantly for my exams and assessments. I was having a big old break down every single time I came home from college. Sometimes it would be alright and I would have a good day, a good laugh with my friends, and then I would come home and have to revise. When I revised, I felt like nothing was going into my brain, like I just didn't know anything. I did pray about it every night, crying to God to make the information go into my brain and to make it a little easier for me, which he did, I just didn’t know it until the exams. It was hard to pray lots, when I'd get to college, it was like I was in a whole different world, I would be praying as I walked into college and then I would get to my first lesson and my brain would get busy and forget to pray. 

At the beginning of college I also didn't have many friends, I was by myself a lot, which was also a thing that made it quite hard because I had no one to distract me from the stress of the work, no one to talk to that might understand it. There was a point at the beginning when I came home some days and would talk to my mum and dad about my day and then just be like, 'I don't want to do this anymore, I want to give up, it’s not fun anymore.' But God was good and kept telling me to push on, no matter how much I wanted to give up and stop, God pushed me to carry on, and so I did, and it paid off.

About February time, two wonderful girls were so kind to me and we started to sit together in lessons and then lunches and then always. Soon I was calling them my best friends. Without them I don't think I would have made it through college last year. They were there when I needed to talk and they also related to my situation because they were feeling the pressure and stress too, we all talked together about how hard we found the course, but together we made it through and I'll let you know now, that we have all officially passed as of a few weeks ago.

After college, I've got to admit I felt free, and probably a little bit too joyful that it was over. The Lord was with me through everything last year, through all the stress, the tears, the midnight revision sessions, through all of it. I couldn't, still can't, stop thanking him for not giving up on me when I felt like giving up. While I was distracting myself from the stress with TV shows and Netflix, he was with me, calming me, loving me, fighting the battle that I was giving up on. 

The summer has been so much fun. I would say that I grew closer to God every day and have spent my summer wisely and in the presence of the holy spirit, but that would be lying. No, in fact, the start of the summer, I spent a few days thanking Jesus for all he had done for me, and then I got bored. I find it so easy to get bored of reading the bible every morning or praying basically the same prayer every morning and hoping that 'today' I will go deeper with God, 'today' I will be different and spend more time with him. Every day I tried to be more present with God, but it was hard to find new things to do, hard to find new ways to connect with God, so when I got bored, I would go on screens and sit in my bed all day, doing nothing with my life. Then I would come to pray at night, as I always do, and feel really guilty and tell God 'tomorrow will be different' which, sometimes it was and sometimes it wasn't. Anyway, I still would read my bible, and pray sometimes, but I got to the stage again when I felt like nothing was happening, I wasn't going forward or backward, as one of the preachers called it on the first night of Limitless Festival, ‘Spiritually Trapped’.  One of the things I prayed for regularly at this time was that I could just move forward, or just go somewhere, I prayed constantly, waiting and waiting for an answer, which I knew eventually God would, I've learnt never to stop praying for something, but I didn't hear anything from God for a while, until now, until Limitless Festival!!

My Oh My how incredible limitless festival was! It was our first year and it couldn't have gone better, (Well maybe it could have weather wise, but we'll get to that). Now I'm thinking, this is already a long talky post, so maybe, I'll do a part two for Limitless festival.

So this isn't a finished story, but I'm thinking this is so much to read all ready and if you got this far without getting utterly bored, then I majorly applaud you, but to be honest I wasn't really doing this for anybody, I was kind of just doing this for me, but I hope that for anyone who has got this far, that it has inspired you or at least given you something to do.

For now,

BeeBee

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