My story

Just been to Limitless Festival for the first time and boy oh boy has my life changed and rather than talk about each day individually or even talk about Limitless Festival at all, instead, I would like to tell my story. I would like to tell my story because the theme of the week was 'trash talk' and one of the preachers in the Young Adults venue got assigned stereotypes to talk about. He decided, in this preach, he was going to trash talk the stereotype that 'young people don't go to church'. His main points were LOOK UP, SPEAK UP, and STEP UP. One of his points in SPEAK UP was just to tell your story and say why it is different because God is in your life. So, he set us homework to go home after the week and write our story down, so here I am writing my story down, and apparently sharing it with whoever even reads my blog anymore.

I realise that I’ve never really written my story or told my story, my 'testimony' if you will, to anyone. I've written parts of it down, like things I'm going through in the moment and how God is working through it, but I've never told or written even a summary of my testimony, so I thought it would be a good idea if I did, not only for other people to read and see, but also for me, for me to see and remember what God has done in my life and how He has been in every situation and also so I can know for me, why I choose Jesus.

So here we go.

I have grown up in a Christian family, I've always been to church always had my dad working as a pastor, so I've never really known any different, but the first time I actually remember giving and committing my life to Jesus was when I was about 7, I was eating my breakfast in the morning and I don't even know what day it was, but I just said simply, "God I want you in my life, I want you to live in me". Now, my life was not radically changed in that moment, in fact I don't think I really even knew what I was doing or understood fully what God or who God was, I just knew that he was real and I loved Him, I can't really explain it because to be honest, I don’t remember it much, but that is the first time I remember giving my life to Jesus.

Anyway, as I said, my life wasn't radically changed, in fact it changed so little, that I felt like I had no relationship with God at all, so I basically, for many years, until I was about 9 or 10, I kept asking repeatedly for God to enter my life. I just kept asking and asking even though He was in my life, I kept asking and asking because I guess I didn’t really understand what it meant or ‘felt’ like to have Jesus in my life..

In 2010, I had my first year of Energi (you can read about Energi in some earlier and cringe worthy blog posts back in 2013 and upwards if you dare.)  At that point I was only 8, so Energi was a good opportunity for me to know more about Christ, meet new people, and be genuinely engaged more with Christianity and the church. It did help become more engaged, when I got home, I started reading my bible more and praying more by myself, in fact I even came up with a ‘secret place’ where I could have some quiet time with God. I had a great first year of Energi and wanted to return the next year and the year after that. 

Energi 2013 is when I got the gift of tongues. It was my last year of being a junior, which I was excited about because I felt too old for the juniors now and that I had got everything I could out of it. That year of Energi though, I did make some good friends, and make stronger bonds with friends from previous years. At this point in my life, I had a relationship with Christ, in fact before Energi 2013, I had been praying for the gift of tongues for a long time, and I asked to be prayed for at Energi that year and received the gift of tongues. My faith was strengthened, and I really started trusting in Jesus and his promises that year.

2013 was also my first year of the Gathering. This was honestly a great experience, it also allowed for me to connect with my youth group more as quite a lot of us went that year. The theme that year was 'compelled' and it was kind of about being yourself, don't take other people’s judgement and live for God. One of the things I really remember from that year, was when it was the call to respond after the preach, I prayed for someone from my youth group, as far as I can remember it was the first time I had actually prayed for someone, any who, while I was praying for them, they turned around to tell me "Don't let anyone ever tell you you're too young" and then we hugged and cried together. In that moment, I felt the holy spirit, and in that time of my life, I was really trying to fit in as an older kid, but that year of The Gathering really taught me to just be myself, no matter how young or old. As I worshipped that weekend and connected with God, I felt something change within me.

 One other thing from that year is, I started to fall in love with worship. If you didn't know this about me, worship is my favourite way to connect with God and hear him speaking to me, so the Gathering is where I first felt that worship was the thing I wanted to do all the time. I started listening to worship music a lot, people like Bethel Music, The Afters, Sidewalk Prophets, Mercy Me, etc. Worship music is how I connected with God in my every day. 

I was home-schooled, until I was 14 and went to college, so my life was pretty lonely without friends outside of church, but even with my friends at church, they were pretty much all older than me, I mean I had my siblings, but there siblings, so not really the same as friends. I had my child-hood friend, who I did love and sometimes hang out with still, but we started hanging out less and less as she went to high school.

The other friends I had outside my church were from Energi, so I only saw them once a year. One of my friends though, who I met my second year of Energi, we talked quite a bit, we emailed, sent letters, even talked on hangouts. We became good friends and helped each other through some tough stuff. I honestly thanked God for every little conversation we had because she was a real gift from God at the time. She was the first 'non-Christian' friend that I had and it was a great part of  my life being able to answer her questions about God, even though I did not know that much myself, only being about 11 or 12, it was a part of  my life where I had to be praying constantly that God would use me. I felt so young, but for God to use me to speak and pray into her life felt incredible and made me fall in love with God more and more knowing that He wanted to use me.

When I got to my teens, I started getting interested in taking notes in church during the sermons, I even started praying about absolutely everything, I mean everything! I'm talking, "Lord help me complete this level of snake" praying, I would literally pray about everything and anything. I also tried reading my bible more often. When I was about 13, I tried reading the bible right from the beginning until the end. Let me tell you, it did not work, once I got to psalms, I gave up and just started reading the New Testament. Which I’ll have you know, I have read the whole of and now trying to make my way through the old testament books, but not in order.

2015 was interesting. I had just turned 13, so it’s that awkward age of puberty and you're getting too old for some things and still too young for others. I still felt like the youngest out of my friendship group (which I was), I still got left out of 'older sibling things' in the house, I thought I was so cool, but let’s face it, I wasn't 😂. I felt too young for youth group because everyone would treat me like the youngest or the baby when all I wanted, was to fit in and feel wanted, and at the same time I was too old for Sunday school.

This time in my life really kind of knocked my confidence because I didn't really have any friends and I didn't really fit in anywhere, so I felt sad and lonely and maybe a little bit sorry for myself. God was always there though; I was still constantly praying to Him, hoping and trusting that I would make it out of this depressing lonely place. I knew he was there as well because in places like gymnastics, I still had a few friends, but I was enjoying it less and less because the good friends I had there, had left and the teacher that helped me develop left too. Eventually I quit, just before we moved, and I started college in September.

I thought as the 2016 rolled in, everything would change and things could start to get better, cos you know, new year spirit, revolutions and all that jazz, I thought "This year is going to be different, this year I'm going to be more confident, it’s going to be great, I'm going to read my bible lots, go on social media less... Blah, blah, blah" and yet, there I was 7 days into the new year, writing in my diary about how I wished perfect people existed and that I was one of them, also how I realised that I had social anxiety and pretty much hated speaking in front of lots of people and even being around lots of people.

The new year never goes how you plan it, but I know, that If I hadn't gone through all that I went through in 2015-16, I would not be where I am and who I am, today.

Even though the beginning of 2016 sucked, it was the year that I started to prophesy. It was Easter evening and we had a worship night, God gave me a few inspiring words to say, despite the fact I was majorly nervous and basically sobbing, I spoke in front of people, on a stage, in a mic, which are like all things I hated, but I did them anyway. Now not all those inspiring words I shared may have needed to be shared or even been from God, but if no one else needed them, then it was just for me to gain some confidence. When I think back to that Easter night, I do cringe a little, just because I know all of what I said, I didn't need to say, and sometimes I just hate myself a little the way I share things, but I know now that God had a plan. I don't know if what I shared that night meant anything to anyone, but I pray that it did.

Fast forward to July 2016, I still didn't really have any friends, in fact there were times I would cry myself to sleep, crying to God for a friend. In July 2016, Mum and Dad decided that God was calling us to Liverpool. God was working so much in this, If I knew everything that was going to happen in these two years in Liverpool back when we were first moving, I probably, would feel the same. You see when we knew we were moving to Liverpool, there wasn't loads I was going to miss.

I had just started to feel a little more at home in the youth group, but not loads; I did love Nantwich town and the whereabouts of where we lived, but apart from that, there was nothing really there for me in Nantwich, so the whole process of moving, I felt really at peace with it. God just set this peace in my heart, that I knew Liverpool was the next place for me, for the family, it just felt... right.

We moved to Liverpool in September, I started college in Reaseheath, this is when I saw God moving in my life, that I knew all my praying wasn't for nothing. When we moved to Liverpool and I started up at Reaseheath, I felt God's love just moving within me. In Reaseheath I found friends that were my age, that included me that listened to me and laughed with me. My friends also brought out a confidence in me I had forgotten or didn't even know about.

Reaseheath was a massive part of my life and even though I was only there for a year, I made some friends for life and learnt things that I would soon find very useful in my next year of college in Myerscough.

2017-2019 has been so much better, there have been ups and downs, but 2017 was a great year, it was the year I learnt and got filled of God's great everlasting joy and peace. As I said though there were ups and downs, for example, in 2018 and even a little at the start of 2019, I felt a little numb in my Christian life, like I wasn't moving forward or backward, I was just kind of stuck. You can read more about that if you read my 'How am I??' blog that I wrote back in 2018. 2018 was not only the year of struggle, but in November I had NCS, which is where I met many people who helped to boost my confidence and really encouraged me to push harder and not to give up. NCS is an experience that I will never forget because of how much it helped me, encouraged me and also for the friends I made there.

2019 is where we are now. It’s not the end yet and its already been crazy. Let’s start from the beginning when I was in college and stressed as heck! from January to about May is when I had to revise constantly for my exams and assessments. I was having a big old break down every single time I came home from college. Sometimes it would be alright and I would have a good day, a good laugh with my friends, and then I would come home and have to revise. When I revised, I felt like nothing was going into my brain, like I just didn't know anything. I did pray about it every night, crying to God to make the information go into my brain and to make it a little easier for me, which he did, I just didn’t know it until the exams. It was hard to pray lots, when I'd get to college, it was like I was in a whole different world, I would be praying as I walked into college and then I would get to my first lesson and my brain would get busy and forget to pray. 

At the beginning of college I also didn't have many friends, I was by myself a lot, which was also a thing that made it quite hard because I had no one to distract me from the stress of the work, no one to talk to that might understand it. There was a point at the beginning when I came home some days and would talk to my mum and dad about my day and then just be like, 'I don't want to do this anymore, I want to give up, it’s not fun anymore.' But God was good and kept telling me to push on, no matter how much I wanted to give up and stop, God pushed me to carry on, and so I did, and it paid off.

About February time, two wonderful girls were so kind to me and we started to sit together in lessons and then lunches and then always. Soon I was calling them my best friends. Without them I don't think I would have made it through college last year. They were there when I needed to talk and they also related to my situation because they were feeling the pressure and stress too, we all talked together about how hard we found the course, but together we made it through and I'll let you know now, that we have all officially passed as of a few weeks ago.

After college, I've got to admit I felt free, and probably a little bit too joyful that it was over. The Lord was with me through everything last year, through all the stress, the tears, the midnight revision sessions, through all of it. I couldn't, still can't, stop thanking him for not giving up on me when I felt like giving up. While I was distracting myself from the stress with TV shows and Netflix, he was with me, calming me, loving me, fighting the battle that I was giving up on. 

The summer has been so much fun. I would say that I grew closer to God every day and have spent my summer wisely and in the presence of the holy spirit, but that would be lying. No, in fact, the start of the summer, I spent a few days thanking Jesus for all he had done for me, and then I got bored. I find it so easy to get bored of reading the bible every morning or praying basically the same prayer every morning and hoping that 'today' I will go deeper with God, 'today' I will be different and spend more time with him. Every day I tried to be more present with God, but it was hard to find new things to do, hard to find new ways to connect with God, so when I got bored, I would go on screens and sit in my bed all day, doing nothing with my life. Then I would come to pray at night, as I always do, and feel really guilty and tell God 'tomorrow will be different' which, sometimes it was and sometimes it wasn't. Anyway, I still would read my bible, and pray sometimes, but I got to the stage again when I felt like nothing was happening, I wasn't going forward or backward, as one of the preachers called it on the first night of Limitless Festival, ‘Spiritually Trapped’.  One of the things I prayed for regularly at this time was that I could just move forward, or just go somewhere, I prayed constantly, waiting and waiting for an answer, which I knew eventually God would, I've learnt never to stop praying for something, but I didn't hear anything from God for a while, until now, until Limitless Festival!!

My Oh My how incredible limitless festival was! It was our first year and it couldn't have gone better, (Well maybe it could have weather wise, but we'll get to that). Now I'm thinking, this is already a long talky post, so maybe, I'll do a part two for Limitless festival.

So this isn't a finished story, but I'm thinking this is so much to read all ready and if you got this far without getting utterly bored, then I majorly applaud you, but to be honest I wasn't really doing this for anybody, I was kind of just doing this for me, but I hope that for anyone who has got this far, that it has inspired you or at least given you something to do.

For now,

BeeBee

xxx